


The Things Girlfriends Do

by Quantin_of_the_Lethe



Category: Kill la Kill (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Catatonia, Depersonalization/Derealization Disorder (DPDR), Disabled Ryuko Matoi, Dissociation, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Memory Loss, Paraplegia, Physical Disability, Summoning the Dead, Visual Hallucinations, auditory hallucinations
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-20
Updated: 2021-01-01
Packaged: 2021-03-10 21:33:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,289
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28194039
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Quantin_of_the_Lethe/pseuds/Quantin_of_the_Lethe
Summary: A couple of years after the end of the events of the main series, Ryuko has a stroke that leaves her paraplegic and severely incapacitated when it comes to her memory. Thankfully, she has the world's best girlfriend to help her adjust to her new life. And the ghost of an old friend.
Relationships: Mankanshoku Mako/Matoi Ryuuko
Kudos: 14





	1. Afraid of the Dark

**Author's Note:**

> My first KLK fic! I hope y'all like.

_You._

She heard the voice again. Her eyes snapped open. Where was it coming from tonight? The corner? Under the bed? She saw nothing but inky blackness.

_You're not welcome here._

_I know I'm not,_ she thought, _but it's not like I have a choice._

The void monster didn't care. _You're not welcome here._

A large hand came out of the void, lunging for her...and then Ryuko woke up.

She sat bolt upright in bed, the void clearing away into the dark corners of the apartment, breathing heavily. She gingerly touched her throat. She thought, for a flash, that she could feel the hand around it. Slowly, her eyes acclimated. Their apartment looked like the studies of some Victorian eccentric, absolutely packed floor-to-ceiling with knick-knacks, weird oddities that had been probably glued together by whoever the taxidermist equivalent of Mako's dad was, anime posters that Mako only got because they were violently pink. The gentle whirring of a white noise machine gave a very calming ambience. It was, however, occasionally drowned out by the snoring of Ryuko's girlfriend. Mako was, as usual, half-draped over Ryuko's left leg, half holding onto a pillow for dear life, as if it was a life preserver.

She touched her throat again, and she could still feel her pulse racing. That was the closest the void monster had ever gotten. Her breathing awoke the sleeping beauty.

"Again?" Mako asked sleepily. Ryuko could only nod slightly. She was still in shock.

"Verbal?" She shook her head.

"Hand or face?" Ryuko held up her hand, semi-limply.

Mako got up, went over to a cabinet, and prepared for her what she called the Midnight Gospel--a 30 ml shot of sleep aid, and a large cold cup of half water, half Pedialyte. Ryuko downed both, first the sleep aid, then the electrolyte mixture. Immediately she felt her body temperature lower, her heart rate steady out, and her muscles soften as she fell back to bed.

"You shouldn't have to do this," she muttered.

"I do it because I love you."

"You're practically my caregiver at this point, it's not fair to you."

"If I abandoned you, I'd be the shittiest person alive, now, wouldn't I?"

"Nah, you'd just be taking care of yourself."

Even in the dark, Ryuko could sense the extreme pout display Mako was putting on right now. "Now listen here, missy," said the smaller girl, who positioned her face right over her girlfriend's. "I," _Smooch._ "love," _Smooch._ "you. And that's not ever gonna change. I said I was gonna be here for ya through hell and back, and dammit if I'm not going to. DPDR or no, PTSD or no, mem'ry disorder or no. I'm still here."

Mako's voice was like the security blanket she needed. "I'm 21 and feel 54."

"And I'll be 54 with ya, Ryuko."

Ryuko fell asleep, this time holding Mako close to her, and for the first time all night, she felt safe.


	2. On the Banks of the Lethe

Ryuko couldn't be more thankful for Satsuki's string-pulling. As soon as the diagnoses had come in and said that Ryuko was to stay off her feet whenever possible, which meant getting around via wheelchair for the foreseeable future, she had finagled Mako and Ryuko a lovely studio apartment in a quiet, modern part of the city relatively close to transit. She and Mako had also spent the first day making the place as accessible to Ryuko as possible. This meant having a special table at sitting height where she could cook when she wanted to, a balcony space with plants she could take care of, a white noise machine to help with the night terrors, a shelf stacked with her favorite sketchbooks and writing implements to jot down thoughts she was afraid to forget, and to start drawing more.

Her life is quiet, mostly. Well, as quiet as it can be when you live with ADHD Incarnate. But Mako has been wonderful, really, ever since Satsuki told her that she'd have to take care of Ryuko for a while. Satsuki is paying for the apartment, so they really only have to worry about...well, everything else. You'd think they'd have plenty of money left over, but Ryuko's medication and therapy ate up a bit. Still, they _did_ have some to play with, as could be evidenced by the rather large store of random thrift-shop and street market finds that filled up the unoccupied corner of the apartment.

Ryuko looked outside the window. Her plants were doing quite well. It was a gorgeous fall day. Mako was going to be off work soon, having been asked to work the early morning shift. She was playing Cave Story on the TV. All of a sudden... _curry sauce_. She grabbed her notebook and wrote it down; not a second too soon, because the thought was gone as soon as she wrote it. She texted it to her girlfriend as soon as possible.

 _Hm...it's such a nice day out,_ she thought to herself. She knew she wasn't supposed to do anything extraneous while Mako wasn't around, but Ryuko wasn't one to follow rules that easily. Using her arms, she shuffled herself across the bed. She moved her legs. The pain in her shins was still immense. Yeah, Mako was right, she really shouldn't be doing anything without help, but that didn't mean Ryuko couldn't do things _her_ way when she wanted to. Although it was a bit of a chore, she got herself out of bed. She put on the electric kettle to boil, made some instant coffee, and wheeled herself outside. Her new life was hard, but she'd confronted bigger obstacles. Adapting to new circumstances just took some practice.

"I'm hooooooooome!" came the ebullient voice that had used to annoy the ever-loving shit out of her, but now she welcomed more than anything in the world.

"Sweetheart! I'm out here!"

"You know you're not supposed to be, what if you fell again?"

"But I didn't," Ryuko replied with a smirk.

"How's your morning?"

Ryuko's face fell a little bit. "I don't remember." She sounded ashamed. "I...I think it was okay, I..." She was grasping for a memory, but like she'd taken a bath in the River Lethe, it wasn't there. She was groping in an empty hole.

"I was hoping the therapy you've been doing would be helping by now."

"Me too." She shifted from ashamed to angry. "I'm so fucking tired of forgetting all the time! I can't remember anything anymore! I'm always forgetting names, places, dates, times, my own age, and now I can't even _walk_ , I'm _useless_ , I _hate_ myself, _I wish I was dead!_ "

"I don't wish you were dead." Mako's kind face looked at Ryuko with deep sadness, her bowling-ball haircut seeming to droop a little. "You're not useless. I love you. So much." And then she fell against Ryuko's chest, holding onto her clothes for dear life. The smell of fast-food grease lingered. "You've brought so much meaning to my life, and shown me what love is, and have always been there for me."

Ryuko looked down at the ground. "I forgot where we went to high school today. It was there one second, then it was lost, and then came back a few minutes later. I'm forgetting more and more things. I don't remember if I took my meds an hour ago. I don't remember if I've showered in the last week."

"You have."

"I was being...you know..."

"Rhetorical?"

"Yeah, that. Mako, have I...have I been a bad girlfriend? Have I said anything bad to you? Because I...I don't remember." She looked at Mako with an expression of pure despondence. Mako shook her head. "No, Ryuko, you've been nothing short of an angel, which is what you are normally." She kissed her gently. "I need to go sleep now, I've been on my feet for ten hours."

"Sleep, dear, I'll probably join you in a little bit. I just wanted some fresh air."

As Mako closed the sliding door behind her, Ryuko looked out across the cityscape before her, trying to photograph it in her mind before it, too, dissolved into nothing.


	3. The Salamander

Ryuko knew a cave when she saw one, and she was definitely in one right now. How she'd gotten here when she was having tea with Satsuki and Mako not five seconds earlier she did not know; just another of her brain's vast well-kept mysteries, it seems. As with most caves, it was extremely damp and most of all, repressively dark. Her eyes weren't adjusting to the dark for there was no light to adjust them to. Terrified of running into something, she decided to stand right where she found herself. Good decision, too. Not ten seconds later she heard a loud dragging sound, like when Mako was trying to carry a bag of flour home by herself one day and was too stubborn to ask for help. Something was moving along the cave floor. Something _big_.

"Well, well," said a voice. "You finally came."

The voice reminded her of when she overheard the band's tuba player go deep into the instrument's register, below B♭1, where it stopped sounding round, warm, mellow, and instead demonic, chthonic, extremely menacing. Whatever the voice was, it sounded like a tuba's–deep, menacing, and made Ryuko shake in her shoes.

"Who's there?"

"Myself."

"That's...unhelpful. _What_ are you?"

The voice let out a loud sound that she could only assume was a laugh. "Myself."

"I don't deal in cheap tricks! Show yourself!"

Another laugh. "Why don't _you_ , Ryuko?"

"How do you know my name?!"

"I _should_ know. It'd be a crime if I didn't."

"Ughhhhh!" she groaned. "We're getting nowhere fast. Show yourself!"

"I rather prefer the dark," the voice said, "but if you insist." A small shaft of light pierced through the cave ceiling, barely providing any light by the time it got down to the cave floor. But it was enough light to show a large mass moving on the cave floor.

"Aaugh!" she screamed. "What's that?!"

"How rude," the voice chastised. "That's me."

 _Now_ her eyes were starting to adjust, and when they did, she saw it was a Japanese giant salamander twice, _thrice_ the size they got in the wild. It moved to where Ryuko could see it best. Nearly blind, it still strained to make her out with its beady eyes.

"Ah, Ryuko, lovely as always," the salamander said.

"Who _are_ you?!"

The salamander chuckled again. "Again, myself. I am dead, but alive; I am hurt, yet unwounded."

"What the _hell_ kind of response is that? I'll beat you up!"

The salamander laughed. "Ah, Ryuko, always trusting in your fists to solve problems your brain couldn't."

"Hey! That's mean! What are you?!"

"You asked me that already, Ryuko, and my answer has changed not. Myself."

"That stupid response you can save, it doesn't clear up the matter at all. I just want _answers_ , dammit! What is this cave? _Why_ am I here?"

For once, the salamander didn't respond with a laugh. Instead it made a sort of hmm-ing noise that just sounded more like a far-away earthquake. "Your first multifaceted question of the day. This cave is your subconscious, Ryuko. And I think you can deduce why you're here."

"Oh God, did I go catatonic again?"

"Mm. Yes."

"Oh, God, I need to get back! Satsuki, Mako are going to be panicking, dammit, _fuck!_ "

"You'll go back when you're ready. You know this by now. Rushing yourself never helps."

"But why am I here? I've never been here before!"

"Because I summoned you."

" _Why_ is there a giant salamander in the cave of my subconscious?"

"Now that's a good question. I honestly don't know."

"Well, whatever the case, can I go now?"

"Not yet, we still have a lot to discuss."

"Like what?!"

"Why I summoned you here."

"Oh my GOD! We're just going in FUCKING CIRCLES!"

"Because you keep asking circular questions."

"Okay, _fine!_ Why did you summon me here, O Great Salamander?" She swore she could see the serpent grin.

"This is your third catatonic episode in as many months."

"Is it?"

"Exactly. As you can probably tell, this isn't great for your memory problems."

"No shit."

"Hm, yes, no shit. But about that. What is your physical conception of a memory, Ryuko?"

She thought for a minute. "I always saw memories as like...tiny white wisps, like string."

"String. Yes. A sort of Greek way of thinking about it, but that will get the job done for now. Now, do you see any wisps of white smoke-like string floating in this cavern?"

"Obviously not."

"Obviously not, yes. This cavern looks empty to you?"

"Yes," she said, slightly irritated at the line of questioning.

"Well, it's not. You see, Ryuko, the reason I'm in the subconscious is because I have the longest lifespan and memory of any creature in your mindscape. They trusted me down here because as a last line of defense against total memory loss, I'm the best there is. I've seen and remembered all. I can think of many, many much more boring people I could be inhabiting right now. I feel rather lucky to be here in your mind."

"Thanks," she replied, not terribly enthused at the idea of a massive salamander inhabiting her brain.

"Tell me, can you see gases?"

"Obviously not."

"Yes, and believe it or not, memories are invisible, like gases. And like gases, are permeable through amphibious skin. I don't just inhale and exhale gases, but also your memories, to absorb them into my own memory banks and preserve them in case they're lost."

"Wait, so you have a backup file of _every_ –?"

"Not every," the salamander said sadly. "Unfortunately, you _do_ have a memory loss problem. It's not psychosomatic. There are a lot more memories I'm having trouble retaining. Sometimes they just disappear, and there's nothing I can do. I'm not infallible, after all."

"So even gods forget?"

"A god!" the salamander laughed. "Little girls are coming before me, asking if I am God! I am no god, Ryuko."

"Then how are you..."–Ryuko gesticulated wildly–"...like _this?_ "

"The brain is a lot more powerful than humans think it is, Ryuko, and the subconscious even more so. It may seem to be a damp, empty cavern, but the subconscious is the most wild, inhospitable, untamed corner of the psyche, where monsters blind and terrible live."

"Monsters? Blind and terrible?"

The salamander grinned again. "Yes, Ryuko. This is merely the opening of the subconscious, the door to the Inferno, if you will. I am Kerberos, of sorts. I make sure nothing gets out. If you want to go in... _heh_. That's your cookie to crumble."

"Do you have a name?"

The salamander thought for a minute. "Hm. A curious question. I've never been in need of a name. You're the first person I've met down here, at least, the first one capable of speech. So I guess you could say I'm nameless. But if I were to have a name...it would have to be Bøyg."

"Bøyg? Like from that play?"

" _Peer Gynt_ , yes, the unseen being that speaks to Peer in the darkness."

"Is it time for me to go back, Bøyg?"

"Heh. Is it?" it asked, before the cavern, and the serpent, swirled out of view.

* * *

Ryuko sat bolt upright and gasped for air.

"RYUKO!" Mako cried with joy. "You're awake!"

"I...yeah," she said, her mind exploding. "Mako...how long was I out?"

"It's been a few hours. Satsuki told me to use one of the spare beds until you woke up. Figured it'd be more comfortable than being comatose in your wheelchair."

"Th-thank you, dear," she said slowly, her vision still not quite focused. "I...my head hurts, need to sleep."

"Do you have the energy to make it home? Or do you want to stay here tonight?"

 _Creatures blind and terrible._ The salamander's words on the true nature of her subconscious echoed. "I think I'm going to want to be next to you. It might be a rough night tonight. I can...I can muster the energy."

Mako nodded. "Okay, I'll tell Satsuki." She left the room. Ryuko pulled herself to the edge of the bed, plopped herself in her wheelchair, and made her way out of the room, her conversation with the salamander playing on an endless audio loop.

That night, as she held Mako tightly and closed her eyes, she saw it again, grinning.

"Goodnight, my dear," it said. "When swimming in the dark, make sure not to get lost. Who knows what lurks in the deep waters of the mind?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter is a lot more...literary, if that makes sense. I took my own experiences with catatonia and the subconscious and used the conversation between Peer Gynt and the Bøyg from Peer Gynt as a framing device, where Peer talks to an unseen being that could be his own consciousness; some lines here are directly from that play, or loosely translated. Also borrowed a little from the conversation from Night in the Woods between Mae and the Sky Cat (particularly the 'creatures blind and terrible' bit). And for good measure threw in my own fear of deep water with a 'swimming in the ocean of the mind' metaphor.
> 
> This fic was a chore to write, but I feel good about it and I hope you enjoy it. It's not really fun or funny and it's not supposed to be, it's supposed to be a more serious take on issues like disability and trauma which these characters would absolutely have to be confronting in a plausibly realistic post-canon scenario. Overall I'm pretty proud of this.
> 
> Per usual, kudos and comment if you feel up to it.


	4. Forging Anew

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Takes place about six months before the events of the past three chapters.

"She's very much alive, that's not the problem here," the doctor said. "The problem is, well, she's not waking up."

"So you're telling me my sister's in a coma?"

"Yes."

"And you _didn't_ lead with that? Which could've saved us this entire pointless conversation?" It was taking all of Satsuki's power not to commit an act that Nonon had taken to recently calling "a bad time".

"Well, we didn't know how _sensitive_ the topic would've bee--"

"She is _comatose_ in a _hospital bed_. My first assumption is that she's _dead_. My second assumption is that she's in a permanent vegetative state. I am already expecting the worst from this situation, Doctor. Don't mince with me. I want to know."

He breathed nervously. "She's had a stroke of some kind. We don't know from _what_. What we do know is that while it could've been a lot worse, the current prognosis is...not good at all. She's probably going to have a major neurocognitive disorder for the rest of her life, but we won't know how severe the memory alterations will be until she's awake and we can monitor her progress over a period of time. What _is_ more set in stone is the paralysis."

A lump formed in her throat, and her arms started to tingle, as if her nerves were going to light on fire. "Paralysis?" she slowly asked.

Nodding sadly, he said, "She's taken massive nerve damage in her legs. She won't be able to walk again, or until we invent some sort of reconstructive surgery. Thankfully, the damage is pretty much only contained to her legs, so she'll still be able to move her hips, but moving anything below the very upper parts of the thigh will cause spasms."

She stared at him blankly, the words "won't be able to walk again" ringing in her head. The neurocognitive problems were bad enough, but not being able to walk...that might _kill_ Ryuko. She hated being cooped up in one place for too long, and not being able to just wander. The trauma had been bad enough. But this on top of that...she needed to mitigate what was shaping up to be a bad situation when she woke up.

"Okay," Satsuki said very quietly, her brain working a million miles an hour on a solution. "Okay."

"She'll be incapacitated for the rest of her life, so I'm suggesting that she have a live-in caregiver, unless she already has someone able to do it? It's a lot of work. Emotionally and physically."

Satsuki smiled a little. "Oh, I think she does."

* * *

"Wait, so Ryuko can't walk anymore?" Mako asked. She was trying to stay calm, but sounded on the verge of tears. Satsuki shook her head. "No. She needs you now. More than ever."

"I--I--" Mako started to panic. Her eyes flittered from one side or another, waiting for someone to tell her it was all a bad dream.

"MAKO!" Satsuki said firmly, gripping Mako's shoulders with the force of a vice. Her stare bored into Mako's soul. "You. Are. A. Strong. Woman. She loves you more than, well, anything in the world. You are her world to her. She trusts you with her _life_. If _anyone_ is suited for this, it's you. If you need to process this, it'll have to wait. Right now, Ryuko needs you, and needs you to be strong."

Mako gulped. "I, I get that, S-Satsuki, it's just, it's just, it's just--" The taller girl put a finger to her lips. "I will help. As much as I can. You will not have to do this all on your own. Just mostly." Her breathing slowed down, and she plopped on the floor. "I just, my love, she's, she's..." she sniffled. "I, I, I don't know i-if she's gonna...w-wake up o-or..." She sniffled more as she started to cry. "...not."

"She _will_." Satsuki said that as if the word itself would make Ryuko rise out of her bed.

"Y-you promise?" Mako said quietly.

"You two," the doctor said suddenly, "you might want to come in here."

They ran in to see Ryuko sitting upright. Her hands were neatly folded in front of her. She had a thousand-yard stare.

"R-Ryuko?" Mako asked, quiet as a mouse. Ryuko turned to her, and they could almost hear the gears turning, trying to find in her mind who this person was. At first, all that came out were guttural noises as she tried using her vocal cords for the first time. "Mmmmmh," she hummed.

"Mmmmmh...aaaa...kkkh...oh. Mmmahhhko. Mako." She said it as if it hurt her head. She grimaced. "Sleepy."

"Well, that's certainly a good sign," the doctor said while Mako stood there elated and Satsuki dumbfounded. "I'm going to keep her here for a few more days, but this is a definite sign that things aren't as bad as they could be."

"Absolutely," Satsuki said, staring in mild confusion at her sister, who was asleep again. "Come, Mako. We have a lot of work to do."

* * *

"SATSUKI!" Mako yelled. "SOME HELP!"

"Surely you're strong enough to carry a wok set?" Satsuki said incredulously.

"It's not the weight, it's a big box!" Mako called. "I can't see where I'm going! Why did you even _get_ this thing?"

"Look, if I'm spending all this money to get you two a new apartment, new bed, new everything, I'm gonna spend money on cookware. I know you like to cook and I want her to start."

"But what if she can't even reach the stove?"

"Don't worry, I also bought a portable gas--"

"--a portable gas burner," Mako said at the same time. "Of course you did. Thank God you got us an apartment near the elevator."

"Why wouldn't I?" Satsuki replied, giving her a look. Mako thought for a minute. "Oh, I'm a dumbass!"

"No, you're just tired. When we get inside, why don't you sit down? You've done a lot of lifting this afternoon."

Mako set the box down, fell on the bed, and started crying. "I haven't slept or eaten in what feels like days."

"That's gonna be the adrenaline. Your body thinks you're fighting something."

"Yeah, I wanna fight the dumbass blood vessel that did this to my girlfriend! All the things we won't be able to do anymore..."

"It'll be a new life," Satsuki said calmly, "but it's not like you two haven't faced worse adversity and overcome it. No thanks to me, in part, but we've already discussed that. You'll find new things to do together. This isn't the end, Mako."

"I know, it's just...it's a lot, all at once. There's no reason for me to feel like a failure, but somehow I still do, I still feel like this is *my* fault."

"Because Ryuko is hurt, and you couldn't save her."

"Y-yeah. She's hurt, she's hurt bad, and this time I can't fix it, I can't kiss it to make it better..."

"No, you can't. But you know what you _can_ do?"

"Hm?" Mako sniffled.

"You can still be the Mako she's always loved. She loves you because you were there for her always, even if she was hurt. You would bend yourself backwards to the point where I thought it'd kill you sometimes, and yet you did that because _you value her_ , _you love her_. And she's going to be even _more_ appreciative of that in this new life. You'll be able to show just how much you care about her, in ways you may not have thought possible before."

"You're right. Of course, you're right. I will rise to the occasion!" Mako's eyes relit with the fire that had burned in her for so long, the fire of determination. She sprung up and raising a fist into the air so fast it should've dislocated, she yelled, "I...am Mako Mankanshoku! I don't let anything stand between me and LOVING MY GIRLFRIEND!"

"Thatta girl," Satsuki said brusquely. "Now, help me unload the rest of this shit we got. We want to make the apartment special for Ryuko's arrival, don't we?"

"Of COURSE!" Mako screamed as she burst out the door.

Satsuki smiled. She knew her sister would be in good hands, and that was, quite frankly, all the reassurance she needed.

* * *

When she woke up for real, it felt like a nightmare.

 _I'm in a...hospital bed?_ She hated how uncomfortable the hospital clothes were on her. Sensors of all kinds were taped to her almost everywhere. _What the hell happened to me? Why can't I...why can't I remember? I am...My name is...Ryuko. Ryuko Matoi. I can remember my name. I have a...girlfriend. Her name is...Mako...Mako...Mankanshoku. Okay, so far so good. I have a...sister. Older sister. Satsuki Kiryuin. We attended high school together, in...in..._ Memory unaccessible. _Well, the school was in...Honno. Honno City. Honno City is destroyed. I had a sentient seifuku named...named..._ Memory unaccessible. _Okay, let's try this. I lived in Honno with Mako and...her family. I...I love her family. Miss her family a lot. Oh God...are they worried about me?! Oh God, what about *Mako*!? What about *Satsuki*!? Oh God, I have to get out of here!_

She sprung up in bed, breathing heavily, alerting the doctor. "Woah, Miss Matoi, take it eas--" She went to get out of bed.

And couldn't.

The panic got exponentially worse. "Doc...what happened to my legs? WHY CAN'T I MOVE THEM!?" The doctor looked as if he was really hoping to have this conversation under better circumstances, but they were here now. "You're paraplegic, Miss Matoi. Paralyzed. From the thighs down." The panic was replaced by sheer terror.

"Para...paralyzed?"

"Yes."

She sat in silence for what felt like centuries, as the reality hit her that she wouldn't be able to walk again.

"What...what _happened_ to me?"

"Best we can figure, you had a stroke." He recounted the things he had told Satsuki earlier. As he did, Ryuko felt completely overwhelmed and asked him to stop. She needed to process.

She needed to cry, and cry a _lot_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So guess who decided to continue this fic because I actually really like writing it?
> 
> This girl!
> 
> Happy New Year's, as well!


	5. Perchance to Dream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Takes place thirteen months after Ryuko's stroke, or roughly seven months after the events of the first three chapters.

"Ryuko!"

_mrghlrghlrghl. sleepy._

"RYUKO MATOI!"

_quiet down. leemee 'lone._

" _EARTH TO DUMBASS!_ "

 _GYAH!_ she thought, waking up inside her dreamscape.

"There you are," said the mysterious voice. "Was wondering where you were. I've been trying to contact you for _months_."

"Who are you?" she asked. "You're not like the salamander, are you?"

"The sala--what? No! It's me! Senketsu!"

That name. It...it _meant_ something. "Senketsu. Senketsu."

"Yeah, that's me. Why are you repeating my name?"

She looked into the darkness blankly. "I don't know who you are. But I feel like I definitely _should_."

Silence. Then: "Oh boy."

 _WAIT._ Her brow furrowed _hard_ as she stared into the void. "You should be dead."

"Well, yeah, technically, I, uh, am."

"Then how are you talking to me?"

"I'd rather not say, the cops around here are rather nasty."

"Where the hell _are_ you!?"

"Where the hell, indeed. Land of the Dead. Listen, before I get caught--"

"Before you get caught!? LAND OF THE DEAD!? SENKETSU, WHAT IN THE--"

"Make me an offering!" he hissed. "Food would be nice! THE DEAD LIKE PORK!"

The darkness dissipated. Ryuko was left bewildered. She looked around her. Mako was asleep next to her, making small cooing noises. Everything appeared normal. "The dead like pork"? What was _that_ supposed to mean? It was 4 in the morning. She should probably wait until Mako was at work to make any sort of food; she didn't want to make an offering the the dead and have her girlfriend eat it all before she could do any sort of summoning ritual. What was she _thinking_ , making stir-fry to summon the dead? But she felt like this Senketsu was _important_ somehow. Like...like maybe "help me recover my memories" important. She laid back down and struggled to sleep again, her brain trying to reach for any memory remaining of a 'Senketsu'. Sleep came soon, and her mind went dark.

She woke up a few hours later. Mako was gone, having left for work. If she was gonna do this, now would be the time. _Something with pork...do we even *have* pork?_ She sat up and stretched, looking down at her feet. Like every morning for the last thirteen months, no matter how hard she thought about it, they didn't move. She sighed and shimmied her way out of bed and into the motorized wheelchair that allowed her to go on walks with Mako while holding her hand. She twisted her neck and felt it pop in at least four different places. Her shoulders were pretty achy too.

 _Caffeine. I need it. Caffeine. Yeah._ She filled the electric kettle and set it to boil, spooning a couple of helpings of instant espresso into a mug Mako had gotten for her that said **BEST MOM EVER** on it; she'd gotten it on one of their street market sojourns. The acrid smell of burnt coffee grounds filled the air.

_Perfect. Down to business._

She lit some candles for mood, turned off the lights, then checked the fridge. Yes, they _did_ have pork! She'd just text Mako to pick some up on her way home. What else did they have? Uhhhh...not much. At least, not much that Ryuko felt like wasting on the dead. She didn't even really want to use all of this fresh pork, or even half of it. Maybe just pass some slivers through oil? Sure. That'd work. Less waste.

As she fried the pork, she could start hearing restless whispers. She _usually_ heard restless whispers when she was alone, but that was mostly at night. This had a different character, less malicious, and more...curious. Like a bunch of hungry children waiting to leap out of the walls. This was significantly less scary than it sounds.

When she drained the pork slivers and put them on a plate, she said firmly, "Okay, uh, pork's up!" A torrent of ghosts streamed in from the walls, lunging for the food. "Hey, hey, HEY!" she yelled. "NO ONE EATS UNTIL SENKETSU EATS!" The restless chattering stopped, and the crowd parted for the shade of what appeared to be...a shirt. Immediately, a massive spring of emotion exploded from within Ryuko, although she didn't know where it was coming from. It was overwhelming, and overpowering. She couldn't stop crying.

"Wow, I didn't know you missed me that much," said the ghost.

"I didn't either."

"So um...figured I'd come to you to tell you this than try and get it past the guards. Rules apply a little differently up here. Death is...death is weird. It's weirder when you're clothing. I felt my fibers rent asunder...and then I was whole again. And also a shade." He looked at her as if this would make her remember something particularly unpleasant, but all he got was the usual blank look when she didn't remember something. "I see you've changed a lot."

"Yeah, you can...say that again."

"I was gonna just tell you there's someone I think you should meet." Ryuko blushed. "Senketsu, I'm already in a relationship."

"Not in that way, you doof. He's a god. He might be able to help you with...some stuff. Regarding things that happened recently."

"I can't exactly go anywhere, in case you haven't noticed."

"Heavens alive, Ryuko, let me finish!" the shirt said angrily. "He'll visit you only if you're in deep sleep. So take something that helps with that."

"Hey, Senketsu?"

"What?"

"Can I...like...summon you again? Just to talk?"

If he could shrug, he probably would have. "Not like I'm doing anything else for eternity."

"Because I feel like...talking to you would also help recover my...memory." At this, the collar of the uniform raised a little, like Senketsu was raising his eyebrows. "Hmm. The question, Ryuko, becomes if the memories I'd help you recover are ones you want back."

"Of course they are! I, I feel like I should remember you best of all, but I don't, entire parts of my life from a few years ago are just _gone_!"

He remained pensieve before saying, "I should be going now. Think about this before you do anything...rash." And then the shades melted into the walls again. _They didn't even touch the pork,_ Ryuko muttered to herself before eating it herself.

* * *

She had Mako go all out with the sleep aids that night. Everything short of making her sleep permanently. She wasn't going to miss out on this. _I wonder what he's like? A god. I've never met a god. A Greek god? Japanese god? *The* God? What god?_ She'd have her answer soon. The void melted away, and her dreamscape became...a cabin in the woods. But unlike any cabin she'd ever seen.

The first thing she felt was an overwhelming desire to fall asleep, possibly for the rest of time. It was toasty warm, as a fire crackled in the fireplace. Over the fire, a bundle of twigs dripped a milky white liquid into a bowl on the mantle. The whole place smelled like cinnamon and baked apples. The bed she was laying on had the softest blanket and pillows she'd ever felt, and the mattress was perfect. Classical music--Nonon would know the specifics--played over a radio. The room was lit by a lamp in the corner that cast the entire cabin in a soft, bright orange light. It was bright enough to see, and dim enough to sleep comfortably.

In the corner, in a big recliner, leaned a tall, sallow young man with a massive black bathrobe and white hair that stuck out in every direction there was, like he had permanent bed hair. He had a big, sleepy grin on his face, like he was having a particularly good dream. He didn't open his eyes as he said, "Ah, it's you."

"It's [yawn] me," Ryuko replied sleepily.

"Welcome to my abode," the man said. "Much more comfortable than that old cave I used to live in. Here, I can have guests."

"Guests?"

"Mm, yes. Like my son, Morpheus."

"Morpheus? So you're...Greek?"

The man appeared to think for a minute. "Something like that. Greek, Roman. Whoever needs a god of sleep. Just a big sleepy boy, that's me." He smiled lazily. "Mmmm, this bathrobe is delightful. My brother made it for me, you know. Really very kind of him, he's not usually the crafty type."

"You'll have to forgive me, but I'm not really familiar with gods like you," she said, fighting through the urge to pass out. This place was worse than Mako's sleep aid. The music alone was enough to conk her out for at least twelve hours.

"'Gods like you'...you're telling me you're _not_ some emo white girl from Ohio who thought she was being cool by summoning a god from the Underworld?"

Ryuko looked offended. "Uh...no."

The god opened his eyes a crack, then wide when he saw who it was. His eyes were completely milky white, from what she guessed were either cataracts or a diet of that milky water in front of the fireplace. "Oh! OH! Ryuko! Forgive me! No, of course you wouldn't be _super_ familiar with--I see now. I apologize." His eyes fluttered shut again. "I forgot about our appointment, my dear. Surely you recognize my symbol, though?" He pointed to the branch above the fireplace. "Dripping water from the River Lethe. I am Somnus."

 _Somnus..._ Her brow furrowed. "I-I'm sorry, sir, I--"

"Ohh myyyy, _sir!_ I'm getting _sir!_ Trust me, Ryuko, I'm not _that_ important!"

"Sorry, _Somnus._ I'm here because--"

"I know why you're here, darling, so let's get down to business, shall we?" She half-expected him to fall asleep again, but instead he got up out of his recliner and stretched to his full height--just north of 6'7". A large pair of cream-colored wings were tucked behind his bathrobe. He walked over, knelt down in front of Ryuko, and smiled. "Just a minute, darling. I promise this won't hurt." He touched her forehead, and she passed out.

It was dreamless, meaning that she was in such a deep sleep that the lights of her dreamscape had long fallen out of view; this was the ethereal empty blackness. Not the vicious void that so often liked to attack her in her sleep normally, but rather the complete lack of anything _being_. She wasn't floating, because there wasn't anything to float in. She couldn't even tell if _she_ was being at that moment. She felt completely, wholly, blissfully at peace, and just as she was feeling close to apotheosis, to the end of _existence_...

...she woke up.

"Hoooof, that was close!" Somnus said. "Almost lost you there."

"That didn't feel like death," she said. "I felt fine. And I've been pretty close to death."

"My sweet, who do you think I am?" Somnus said, and all of a sudden his smile didn't seem so friendly. "My brother is Mors. Sleep and Death have always been closely associated with each other, for thousands of years. It's incredibly easy for me to make someone sleep, and never wake up. Of course, I was doing this as a form of memory retrieval. Or diagnosis."

"The doctors said--"

"Yes, apoplexia, or stroke as they call it now. What they're _not_ able to do is gauge immediately how bad the memory damage is instantaneously. That's why your friend sent you to me."

"Senketsu?"

"That's the one. Been awfully antsy after he started trying to contact you and couldn't get through. Asked me to help. At least the best I could. This is...bad. Entire parts of your memory banks have been obliterated with no hope of retrieval. I salvaged what I could, but it got really dangerous towards the end. As I said, you almost died." He walked back to his recliner. "Sorry. Back problems." He let out a loud Dad Noise as his back cracked. "Anyway, there _is_ a solution. But it's incredibly dangerous, and would get both of us in _serious_ trouble."

"I'm all ears, especially when it comes to the ridiculous."

Somnus smiled again, this time much more warmly. "Mmm. Good girl. So the river around here I'm closely associated with is the Lethe, the river of forgetfulness. Such bliss, and a warm bowl before bed gives me the best sleep, but even a toe in for you and you'll lose all your memories. There's a counterpart to the Lethe, not here, but outside of the Underworld, called the Mnemosyne. It's the river of memory, and a bath in it grants the bather omniscience. Rather boring, if you ask me, but the mortals seem to love it, claim it gives them superpowers. Superpowers! Really, now. I think it'd be an awful chore to know everything. Or anything. A shame too, because Mnemosyne is such a babe. Second to Hermes in my book. Problem is, it's off-limits to the living. If you had any water from it, you'd be smote."

"Let's, uh, avoid the smiting for today."

"I quite agree," Somnus replied, picking his nails with a long, ornate file. "You being dead would cause so many complications that I, frankly, would rather not deal with. But aside from the memories I was able to rescue from the ashes of your memory banks, you're kind of out of luck. I'm sorry."

"And what if I want to drink from this river of memory? Just to get some back?"

Somnus raised his eyebrows, despite his eyes being closed again. "You're a curious person, Ryuko Matoi. Your stroke was directly caused by something that happened during the timeframe that you lost, something violent and traumatic. I'm going to have to side with what Senketsu said to you earlier. There are some parts of your life that are probably best left forgotten, and summarized by others. Your girlfriend and sister could maybe help."

"But I want to remember!"

"You want to remember the violence? The terror? The trauma? And not use what memory space you have left to make new ones with people who love and care about you? Be it far from me to give life advice, but I'd say that's asking to be hurt again."

She thought about that. Sure, it'd be nice to remember what she'd forgotten, but at the same time, she had lived what felt like at least three different lives since she lived in Hanno. Surely the one before all of those could be left behind? What little she remembered of that time was full of darkness, terror, screaming.

"You're right."

"That's a surprise. My brother calls me a himbo."

 _He's not wrong,_ Ryuko thought, but that was a different conversation. "I...I think I know what I need to do. Thank you, Somnus." He waved his hand. "My pleasure, darling," he said, before yawning again. "Oh, before I forget...I have a gift for you. Don't unwrap it before you wake up, now!" He handed her a long, flat box, and the cabin swirled out of view.

* * *

"Ryukoooo!" came Mako's voice.

"Mmmmm, whaaaa..." she said blearily. It was morning. Her vision went in and out of focus. A large bowling ball covered in brown hair was two inches from her face. "WHAAAAGH! MAKO!"

"Morning, sweetheart!" she said cheerily. "What's the package?"

 _Package?_ she thought, only to see the box that Somnus had given her on her side table. "I...it was a dream, how did it..." she asked, extremely confused.

"Woah, you brought back a package from one of your dreams? That's super cool! Open it open it OPEN IT!!!!!"

She took off the top of the box and found a note in florid handwriting that simply said:

_For Ryuko,_

_Because you deserve one of the only good things from that time._

_\- S_

"Who's 'S'?" Mako asked.

"Tell you later," she responded as she uncovered...oh my God. It was Senketsu. Or at least, something that looked exactly like Senketsu.

"Oh my God, is that Senketsu? I thought he was destroyed!"

"It's not him, but it's...it's an exact replica."

"Want me to...you know, help you put it on?"

"Please, Mako."

She was able to put on the top, but the skirt part was Mako's domain. As soon as the outfit was on, she felt it tighten, and conform to her body. It may not have been Senketsu himself, but it was awfully comfy nonetheless.

"God, I forgot how hot you look in that," Mako purred, kissing Ryuko's lips, cheek, neck. "Yeah?" Ryuko responded with a smile. "Why don't you prove it?" Mako wasted no time in clambering on top of her and showing her for herself.

 _Thank you, Somnus,_ she thought. _You're very kind._ She heard a gust of wind outside that sounded like a sleepy laugh, and the air was briefly filled with the scent of cinnamon.


End file.
